Columnist reminisces about haves, have nots

In my 20 years on this earth I have done some admittedly stupid, but awesome, things. However, looking back, there are several things that I have never done, but often wish that I had.

I have never punched someone in the face. I am more often than not frustrated with stupid, mean or ignorant people and find myself visualizing me hauling off and punching them. I have never acted on this violent and inappropriate reaction to my negative feelings, but I admittedly think about it more often that I would like.

I have never gone streaking. I remember in high school the pure joy on the faces of the streakers at the football games. I have no real desire to get mostly naked in front of a large crowd of people; if I did I would just become an exotic dancer. However, it looks like such a carefree and joyous activity that it seems like something I should do before I get too saggy to be seen in public.

I have never gotten into a bar fight with someone over something stupid. This is something that goes along with my first item. However, I think that for me to be a true badass, I must get into a bar fight with someone about golf or politics or something that no normal person gives more than a passing fancy about. I will undoubtedly curl up into a whimpering ball if this ever actually happens, but for now I will continue to exist in a world where I am awesome enough to participate actively in a meaningless bar fight.

There are, of course, many other obscure things that I have never done. Beating my friend’s McDonald’s hamburger eating record, crowd surfing, spitting off the top of the Eiffel Tower. All things I think I would like to do someday, but have yet to find the opportune moment. The point being, that doing stupid awesome things is the great part of being human, and I can say from experience that doing them makes you feel like Chuck Norris and Kathy Griffin’s badass and hilariously inappropriate offspring.