Some of you have your own methods, like energy drinks, coffee and good ol’ fashion napping. Those are for cowards.
Don’t you just love the feeling of staying up all night working on a paper you forgot about, each hair on your head bulging in different directions and you’re so stressed that even someone saying hello would make you gouge out their eyes with a number 2 pencil? Me too.
Luckily for chaps and chapettes I have perfected multiple exercises that will ensure you can maintain yourself during all-nighters, and you don’t even need what the folks down in Mexico call “coffee”.
Step1: Fight someone.
It doesn’t matter who or where. It can be your uncle down at the fishing hole, some plump fellow at Burger King, a skateboarder on campus who you’d love to shove or even that tart Dorothy down at the nursing home. No matter what, just pick a fight and let the adrenaline flow. It will give access to the greatest energy drink around: human blood. Whether it’s yours theirs it will keep you going for day. The recommended dosage is one fight for every six hours you wanna stay up. Call a doctor if you feel bloodlust after seven hours.
Step 2: Hunt a man.
Do not get this confused with the last step. That one involves physical domination. This one requires the cunning of jungle cat stalking a lone gazelle as it feeds, unknowing that death waits. Well, avoid the death part, but just pick someone and follow them. Hide in the bushes, behind trees, on top of roofs (for advanced practitioners only) or even crawling in the grass. The rush of the hunt is more exciting that skydiving while riding an untamed lion wearing skis as you barrel towards Mt. Everest where you both will ride down being chased by an avalanche. This method is not recommended to those with heavy breathing or people who often scream “Dave…Dave!” when they think they see their friend Dave. It’s never Dave.
Step 3: Cut the power to the library and let people think the Batman has come for them but then hide in a closet and study as they try to find you.
This one seems complicated, but the psychology is sound. Most people going to school are indeed members of the East Coast mafia, and are here on “business…don’t worry about it.” They would shudder at the idea that the Dark Knight would be after them, so simply lock the doors to Coe and cut the lights. Chaos will ensue as they try to figure out what is going on. Meanwhile you can hide in a cupboard, or anywhere else you feel safe, and study in peace fueled with the adrenaline that you have now become the hunted. It’s like extreme hide n’ seek, but you hold all the cards. A fun way to do this is to grab a few friends. One is to study with you (they will be known as Robin) and another to hang from a wire by their foot to make it seem like they were indeed caught by the Batman. Classic trickery.
Some of you have your own methods, like energy drinks, coffee and good ol’ fashion napping. Those are for cowards. If you wanna all-night like a champ then you will do any of the above activities, or some variation of them. Then when your friends ask how you got it done you can turn to them and say, “Because I am the savior this town needs…” and then morph into the shadows for another night of studying.
