This Thanksgiving many a American will be circled around a homely dinner table, while a plenty of homeless people scratch at the window with their chins soaked in slobber.
During so, they will go around the table and say what they’re thankful for. Most will say family, health and friends and so on and so forth. But you know what I say to that?
Those are stupid people answers. They are what you say when you are too scared to say what you are really thankful for. There are so many other things you should be thankful for, and those are what should be topping your list. But you’re too afraid to say it, so I’m gonna do it for you.
1.) Be thankful this is the time of year where spiders aren’t…just everywhere:
When the grass and tress die so do the bugs, or at least it seems they do. But all the creepy crawlies that plague—and will someday rule—our planet are hiding away deep underground where it is warm while we inhabit the cold; that is when we rule.
We should be jumping and sleeping with ease knowing we have about six solid months of no webs, silent skitters, or wondering if that couch cushion you haven’t cleaned in a year has become a home for eggs of Satan himself. Be happy, and ready for summer. This is not just a vacation, but a chance to plan our strategy for when they emerge.
2.) Be thankful we are that much closer to having actual hover boards.
This is true. A one renowned skater Mr. Anthony Debra Hawk can be seen on YouTube trying out an actual hover board straight out of “Back to the Future 2.”
It doesn’t get far off the ground, but still how exciting! Next we will have hover cars, and then hover boots, then the iHover, followed by iHover 2, 3, 4 and 5. Soon we will have hover boots, and I can live my dream: Soaring across the seas of Galifax towards the sunset eating a box of Twinkies. If that’s not something to be thankful for then you need to get the wax out of your dumb brain.
3.) Be thankful you have gone another year (almost) without being kidnapped.
This one may seem a little too grim and real, but hey, sometimes people just get taken like in that movie, “Ransom.”
But be glad you aren’t someone in the basement of some weirdo who wants you to “put the lotion on the skin” (kidnappers are getting too cliché).
Now I say almost because the year is almost over, and it is a scientific fact that kidnappers work more at the year (I think it’s a quota thing). Not to mention the holidays are also coming, which is another reason snatchers get a snatchin’.
Just keep on guard for anyone with a mustache (not a No Shave November one, an all-year one) and anyone driving a suspicious vehicle—like a 2012 Honda Civic.
Disclaimer: For anyone reading this while kidnapped/in the process of being kidnapped I apologize and want you to know we are doing everything we can. Look towards the window and you find a hacksaw. Use it well.
Now you all have proper ammunition when Uncle Ted says he’s thankful for each and every one of you sitting around the table. One-up that drunk son of a b—.
